


Sakura

by Polarnacht



Series: Fate [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Jace Wayland-centric, Love, M/M, Moving On, Sibling Love, Survival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-23 10:26:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23343346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: The unspeakable has happened, Alec died of cancer, leaving a devastated and mourning Jace behind. Will Jace be able to move on with the help of his friends and family or will he be lost in his grief for the love of his life? Is there a way to not only survive but to live, to keep his promise to Alec to try to be happy again?This story is part two of the fate series and begins right after the second ending of "The Fault in our Stars" and follows Jace through the years after Alec's death.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Jace Wayland/Original Female Character(s), Magnus Bane & Jace Wayland, Past Jace/Alec
Series: Fate [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675111
Comments: 35
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nathanoy25](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nathanoy25/gifts).



> This is part two of the "Fate" Series, but I think you can read it also as a stand alone. 
> 
> For Nathanoy25, who gave me a reason to write this story
> 
> Kissa, thank you so much for this amazing banner - it's perfection 💙💙💙

**_Sakura_ **

_Sakura is the Japanese term for cherry blossoms. Cherry Blossoms symbolize clouds due to their nature of blooming_ _en masse_ _, besides being an enduring metaphor for the ephemeral nature of life an aspect of Japanese cultural tradition and which is embodied in the concept of **mono no aware**. The transience of the blossoms, the exquisite beauty and volatility, has often been associated with mortality._

**_Mono no aware_ ** _, literally "the pathos of things", and also translated as "an empathy toward things", or "a sensitivity to ephemera", is a Japanese for the awareness of impermanence or transience of things, and both a transient gentle sadness (or wistfulness) at their passing as well as a longer, deeper gentle sadness about this state being the reality of life. Mono-no aware: the ephemeral nature of beauty – the quietly elated, bittersweet feeling of having been witness to the dazzling circus of life – knowing that none of it can last. It’s basically about being both saddened and appreciative of transience – and also about the relationship between life and death._

_Source: Wikipedia_

**Chapter One**

The first months after Alec’s funeral went by in a blur. Jace tried to fill the emptiness inside with alcohol, the rage with deathly recklessness, challenging fate over and over again. Jace volunteered for every dangerous mission, no matter if he had just come back from the last one, not caring how tired he was, how worn-out, he just knew he needed more, more danger, more adrenaline, more anything. Most often, he even sneaked missions away, going in alone to face the monsters all by himself, just to avoid facing the monster within. But no matter how hard he tried, how self-destroying he behaved, he made it out alive every single time, leaving a pile of dead demons, rogue Downworlders and killed monsters behind. He came home to Magnus’ loft more times bleeding, nearly cut in pieces, with huge wounds covering his body and broken bones waiting to be mended than uninjured or with only minor ones. Maybe he had gone on like that forever until finally a demon would gain the upper hand, if not for Izzy. After another reckless solo mission, she was anxiously waiting for him to come back alive, barely, but still. When seeing him limp inside, she didn’t bother healing his wounds first but slammed him into the next wall, telling him how done she was with his behavior.

“If you don’t stop this madness, Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, I will kill you myself. I have buried my baby brother Max, I have buried my big brother Alec, I certainly will not bury my dickhead brother, just because you think this is the right way to deal with Alec’s death.” She was furious. She slapped him hard in the face, slamming his head against the wall at the same time. Jace felt tears prickling in his eyes, the tears not coming from the pain inflicted by Izzy, but from the pain within. He pulled her close, whispering “I’m sorry” into her ear, as he was truly sorry, for letting her down, for letting Alec down. He knew what he was doing was not trying, at least not trying to be happy, more trying to get killed. And he also knew that Izzy deserved better, that she at least deserved one living brother. So he promised her, Alec, himself, to be better, to try harder, to try at all. No more solo missions, no more unnecessary danger. At his words, Izzy softened, letting herself fall into him while applying Iratzes at the same time.

“I just can’t, I just.” Her voice was hoarse and raspy.

“I know, Izzy, I know. And you won’t. I promise.” And finally, the first time after he had cried over his lover’s dead body, the tears not just prickled in his eyes, but started to fall, finding their way outside of his body, giving him room to breathe inside. But still, he had the feeling that the air inside him was filled with the smell of death, the overly sweet scent of cherries which always made him want to gag.

The other thing was the alcohol. Since Alec’s death, he had not been able to sleep without nightmares. Nightmares had been a reoccurring topic in his life, they had started when he had been little, five maybe, and his father had locked him up in the cold, dark basement for the first time because he had not performed a task flawlessly. They had increased when his father had forced him to spend nights in the equally dark and cold forest, alone with his fears of werewolves and other creatures of the night. When he had watched his father die in a huge pool of blood, nightmares had been nearly a nightly occurrence. But then Alec had happened, Alec with his strong and steady heartbeat, who had wrapped his long and comforting arms around him, keeping him close to the warmth of his chest. Alec had been only 12, but ever since then, he had been Jace’s rock in a choppy sea. The nightmares had become less frequent until they had disappeared, even dying himself had not brought them back. But since he had found the lifeless body of Alec in their bed, the nightmares had started again, hitting him full force, as there had been no one to scoop close to, no heart beat to listen to while falling asleep and fighting the demons.

But this time, Jace had alcohol. First, he had started to drink alone in Magnus’ loft, the warlock had never been short of alcoholic beverage and Jace had not minded whatever he drank, as long as it blacked him out and thus turned out the nightly torture. When Magnus had hidden the stuff to force the blond to deal with his problems another way, Jace had gone out to bars and clubs, a fake ID ready in hand to convince every bouncer to let him in, his looks as valuable as his ID. He often had no idea how he found his way back to the loft, so blissed out drunk was he, this the only time when his mind closed off enough to forget the misery and his heart too drunk to have nightmares of Alec’s lifeless body in his arms, crying out for his help which he had not provided, yelling at him what a worthless piece of shit he was for leaving him alone when Alec had most needed him.

It was one of these nights when Magnus finally put his foot down. Jace had stumbled into the loft again, reeking of alcohol and cigarettes, throwing up on one of Magnus’ precious Persian carpets again, not even managing to crawl back to his room but just collapsing into his own vomit and blacking out. Magnus had watched the young Shadowhunter with concern, but he knew gentleness was not helping any longer. He had woken Jace mercilessly and told him that he had two options. Either getting a grip and quitting drinking, at least drinking that much, or moving out. Magnus knew too well that Jace had no other place to go to, that he barely could stand the days at the Institute without Alec, let alone the nights. And it was no wonder, given the fact that half of the Institute had been more than ready to consider him a traitor, just because he shared the last name with Valentine Morgenstern, not caring about all the things the blond had done and sacrificed for the Clave. But then, Magnus had never had a high opinion of the hypocritical Clave.

Jace tried to focus on Magnus, he tried to listen and part of him was grateful for the ultimatum, part of him hated the warlock for it. But he nodded and promised to do better. Magnus sighed, not sure how believable the blond was, but he snapped and cleaned him up, gently tucking him into bed. When he saw the blond curling up into a small ball, he sighed again and stayed in Jace’s room, until the Shadowhunter relaxed and fell at sleep.

Jace woke up the next day with a foul taste in his mouth, his eyes blood shot and his temples aching with a hammering pain. He staggered to the kitchen, swearing when he realized that no orange juice was left. Magnus just rolled his eyes, conjuring him one freshly made juice, but refraining from offering a potion against the hang over.

“Do you remember what we agreed on yesterday?” Magnus watched Jace carefully.

“Yes. I do.” Jace sipped the juice, a grimace on his face. He looked at Magnus through hooded eyes, he knew the warlock meant well, he was grateful that he let him stay in the first place. He trusted him, yet it was hard to confess to him. Only Alec had always known the true extend of his suffering, the source of his nightmares. He swallowed down the juice together with his pride.

“It’s just… I cannot sleep without it. I have nightmares.”

“About Alec?”

Jace averted Magnus’ gaze, examining his empty glass with an intense interest.

“About him, about everything else. But mainly about him dying. About him telling me how I let him down.”

A single tear was sliding down Jace’s pale cheek, which got wiped away angrily.

Magnus stepped closer, cupping his chin tenderly, forcing the blond to truly look at him.

“You know that you never did that, Jace, do you? You were there for him, you shared his fears and acknowledged them, maybe the hardest thing to do, especially for you Shadowhunters.”

Jace just shrugged. Even if his conscious self knew that, and he wasn’t so sure about that either, his sub-consciousness thought otherwise. Alec had died alone, after all.

“Did you have nightmares before?”

Once started, he just as well could confess the rest of his petty weaknesses. “Sometimes. Ah, fuck it, actually a lot. Since I was little. But… Alec made them go away.”

“How?”

Jace bit his lips, but then he gave himself a push, Magnus had seen him at his worst, how could this confession be more embarrassing than collapsing in his own vomit? “He let me sleep in his bed.” His voice sounded broken, the memory of the caring and serious child Alec had been brining another tear to his eyes.

“Do you think sleeping together with me would help you, Jace? It doesn’t need to be the same bed, I can magic two beds in my bedroom if you want.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I care Jace. Because I lost loved ones before, I know how hard it is to live on. To be the one who is alive.”

Jace closed his eyes for a brief moment. Magnus appeared always to be so full of life, it was hard to imagine that he had suffered a great deal in his life, but of course he had. He had loved mortals not just once, but multiple times, managing to not close off to the world.

“How did you do it? Survive?”

Now it was Magnus' turn to shrug, there was unfortunately no panacea, but at least he was sure of one thing.

“I relied on my friends. I let them help me. And I know I said it before, and I know you were not ready to hear it then, and I have no idea if you are ready now, but: It get’s better. Not the same, it will never be the same again. But the pain will lose its spike some time. It will get better. Different, of course, but better than now.”

Jace nodded, he was not sure if he truly believed Magnus, but he hoped he was right.

“If you don’t mind, I would try sleeping together.”

“Not at all, Jace, not at all. That’s what friends are for.”

This was how Jace survived the first months after Alec was gone, wiped away from the surface of the earth, but never from the center of his heart. He threw himself into danger, but never as reckless as in the first weeks, always trying to have someone with him who had his back, even if the someone was not Alec. He spent a lot time with Izzy, often just passing the time not doing much, but just her presence helped him to be reminded that he needed to try. It also helped her; Jace was the only one who truly understood what she had lost, what huge empty spot Alec had left behind. When he didn’t spend his time with Izzy, he spent it with Magnus. When Alec had been alive, Jace had never been aware what a close friend the older man really was, he had always considered him more Alec’s friend than his. But clearly, he had been wrong. Their sleeping arrangement helped him to get the desperately needed rest, he still had nightmares form time to time, but not as frequent and violent as in the first weeks. It was kind of embarrassing, but Magnus reassured him that he didn’t mind sharing a room, only when Magnus brought back home one of his affaires he signaled the blond to stay in his own room. At the beginning this had been a clear sign for Jace that he just did not sleep at all, as sleeping alone let to the worst nightmares, the ones of Alec accusing him for letting him down. But over time, even at these nights he managed to sleep, sometimes with, sometimes without bad dreams, but as Magnus had predicted, it got better, slowly but still.

At the first anniversary day of Alec’s death, the unusual group of friends – Magnus, Catarina, Simon, Clary and of course Izzy and Jace - gathered together at the beach were they had held the funeral. With a hint of surprise Jace realized just then, how close the trio Simon, Clary and Izzy had gotten over the past year. He had not thought much about his other sister, even if he was related to her by blood, Izzy had always been his real sister, the one who counted. He liked Clary, but he had never felt a bond towards her. He was grateful for her wish to the Angel, as it had granted him more time with Alec, but there was no deeper connection. Izzy on the other hand, had developed a friendship to her and to Simon, even though both of them had been most of the time in Idris, at the Shadowhunter Academy. After Simon had sacrificed his Vampirism to Magnus’ father Asmodeus during the last battle against Jonathan, he had been granted the possibility to ascend the mundane way and complete his Shadowhunter training alongside Clary, who definitely needed the basic skills as well. A small smile tugged on Jace’s lips when he saw the trio huddled together, sharing memories or just the moment in general.

He sat a bit aside, the two warlocks in a deep conversation themselves, possibly about loved ones they both had known and passed away. He lay back; his head comfortably bedded into the warm sand and looked up at the slightly clouded sky. He still missed Alec with the same fierceness he had loved him, the pain always lingering beneath the surface, but it was slightly easier to deal with it. The all-consuming despair had faded to a duller kind of aching, not as hopeless as in the first weeks. There were small breaks in his days were he felt a little bit like himself again, even though it was strange to think of himself without Alec. The raven boy had always been part of himself, first even literally while being Parabatai, then metaphorically when they shared one heart. When watching the birds aiming for the sun, chasing each other, just bound to the moment and not to earth or anything else, he promised Alec silently to try harder, as he knew, happiness was a long way to go. But he was not closer to finding an answer to how he could ever be happy again without him, than he had been the day he had watched Alec burn a year ago. He was surer how to handle life in general, how to survive, but how to be happy? He had no idea.They said, Shadowhunters loved only once and Jace was still in love. How could he not?

“Hey dickhead.” Jace smiled lightly despite himself when he felt Izzy’s warm body curling up next to him.

“Hey little sis.”

“Are you all right?” Her dark brown eyes, which reminded him achingly of Alec’s, especially when she had the same concern in them as now, were focused on him.

“As good as I can be.” Which was not very good, but had to do, it was the best he managed right now. “You three seem pretty close.”

Now Izzy couldn’t help the small smile. “I’ve visited them a few times and we stayed in contact, yes, we are pretty close. Actually, they got the offer to join the Los Angeles Institute after their training is completed in about half a year, and I thought of joining them. If I get also an offer, that is, and if you would be all right? Or maybe you could join, too? I think they could make a spot for the famous Jonathan Morgenstern and his unique abilities.”

“That’s awesome Izzy. And why wouldn’t they take you. You are the best Shadowhunter there is, beside me, of course.” He added with a small wink. He knew that Izzy had to get away from her parents, the influence especially Maryse had on her was not good, she always managed to crush Izzy in the worst way possible, never seeing what an amazing person Izzy was. Above all, after all Izzy had lived through, she deserved to be happy. “Yes, I will be fine. I have Magnus and Catarina. He is a warlock, he can portal us when we miss each other. But right now, I am not ready to leave New York.” As much as he loathed sometimes all the memories of the different places he had been to with Alec, as much he needed them to feel more connected. Izzy nodded, she understood. She relaxed further into Jace’s strong body, releaved that her brother supported her decision in going away. It was a great deal for her, but she knew she would never be truly happy under the thumb of her mother, and life had shown her not once but twice, how short and precious it was.


	2. Chapter 2

Jace thought that after the first year, it would become easier. Maybe not better, but easier. He had really felt that at least he was able to handle daily life with its ongoing demands and pressures, but he had been mistaken. The first weeks after the anniversary, he had felt a certain comfort from the gathering, but when the days got darker, his thoughts spiraled down with them.

All seemed to have moved on, except him. Magnus and Catarina had always been close friends and they were closer now than ever. Izzy had found herself a new trio she could belong to. For her sake, he wished she truly did. Alec, Izzy and he had called themselves the golden trio back when they had gone on their first missions together, one was never seen long without one of the others. Even though Jace and Alec had shared more than a sibling bond, all three of them had been really close. Therefore Jace had also never bothered to find other friends, he had had Izzy for the fun parts, the parties, the bickering but also for emotional support – and for the same and for the rest, for everything truly, he had always had Alec. Growing up in a vacuum of feelings, without any bonds or affection, his cruel father the only other human being around, it had been more than enough for him.

Izzy on the other hand had always had flings or friendships outside their trio, and now she was able to rely on this ability, she had made new friends in Clary and Simon, whereas he had just still her, and she was about to leave him. Everybody always left him. First his mother, who had fled the scene without taking him with her, not looking back even once. He had hoped for her to come back at the beginning, but there had never been a trace that she even had existed, less cared about him. Then his father had left him, faking his own death because Jace had been too weak, too worthless to carry on the Morgenstern legacy. Too much of a burden to let him tag along further. The moment he had truly been used to having an amazing little brother, Max, the moment his other brother Jonathan had taken him away from him. And then Alec, the deepest cut in his scarred life. His heart ached at that thought, because deep down, he knew Alec hadn’t left on purpose, unlike most of the others he had not chosen this. But sometimes, Jace was just so angry at Alec. For loving him, for allowing Jace to love back, for making him promise to not follow, and yes, he was mad at Alec for fucking dying. And for not coming back. Jace had died himself and he had come back, so how hard could it be? But probably he was just not worthy of coming back, as much as he had never been enough for anyone to stay.

And now Izzy was leaving him, too. He was being unfair, but he was beyond the point of seeing it. He just felt the pain of being left behind again. He couldn’t remember his supportiveness at the beginning or the valid reasons for Izzy to leave, each single one having nothing to do with him. He just felt the pain he had endured too many times in his life. He had hoped that being loved for 7 years by the most powerful love in the world had been enough to outdo his upbringing, to counterweight the many times he had not been loved at all, but in these darkest months of his life after the loss of this love, he thought it hadn’t been enough, that nothing would ever be enough to make up for the loss.

Jace had tried alcohol as a coping mechanism, he had tried recklessness and rage, what he hadn’t tried yet was exhaution. The demons were more active than ever and Maryse and Robert relied heavily on Jace and his abilities, especially now with Izzy’s upcoming transfer, a request which most probably was the end to the already fragile parent-daughter bond. So they assigned Jace to mission after mission and Jace gladly took them all.

When he returned to the loft in the early morning hours, he scarcely bothered with trying to sleep, he just went for another cup of coffee and another stamina rune, ignoring the dark circles under his eyes and the exhaution hiding beneath the surface. Magnus was worried, but there was not much he could do, except offering his help and support, but Jace just looked at him with unseeing eyes, telling him he was just fine. Sometimes the exhaution was stronger than Jace and he fell asleep where he was sitting or standing, his body taking what the brain denied, but most of the times the stamina rune did its job.

But the constant overexploitation took its toll, his reflexes got slower, his judgment more clouded. He was still one of the best, maybe even the best – but he was far from being his best.

This didn’t stop him from taking on the next mission, the elimination of a dark warlock, Martin, who had summoned countless demons and was on the warpath with the Clave, Shadowhunters, Mundanes and the world itself it seemed. When they finally had tracked down the warlock he acted as he had just waited for it, he fought like he didn’t care if he survived this fight or not. His goal seemed more to get to Jace, Maria or Izzy with whom he fought.

If the curses hadn’t bounced through the room with rapid speed, Jace might have felt sympathetic towards the warlock. He had read his file, how Shadowhunters had hunted down his warlock girlfriend back in the late 18th century for her special warlock marks.

Back then, Shadowhunters hunted warlocks for fun, using the marks to decorate their homes to show off to other Nephilim. Martin had turned to the Clave in quest of justice, as the Accords were already in place, but of course he had found none, the Clave Bad ruled in favor of the fellow Shadowhunters.

Embittered Martin had lived on, deprived of justice, deprived of the love he thought to have by his side for eternity. When then during the Dark War he had to watch the Soul Sword get accidently activated by Clary and kill almost all his friends, something snapped inside him and all he wanted was revenge.

Jace could feel his pain, yet he was determined to put a stop to this, but he was tired and lacked his usual instincts and reflexes. When the warlock cast a spell directly at him, he was just too slow to avoid the spell, which hit him full force in the chest. He didn’t understand what the warlock cursed at him, he just felt the world crumbling down into a place of darkness before he fell and hit the ground, not feeling any pain, even though he hit his head hard on the concrete floor, leaving smears of blood behind.

Izzy screamed when she saw Jace getting hit and heard the maniac laugh of the warlock, who seemed pleased beyond words with what he had done. She yelled out at Maria to not kill the warlock, as most of the times only the same warlock could reverse the spell, but it was too late. Maria’s arrow had already pierced the warlock’s heart and he joint Jace on the ground.

Izzy crouched beside Jace, with trembling fingers searching for a pulse, but to her surprise, the blond’s pulse was strong and steady. There were no wounds, no other signals than the blank gaze on his face that there was anything wrong with him. Only the head wound bled slightly, but was fixed quickly with an Iratze. Jace didn’t flinch or show any other signal of life. He just lay on the dirty ground, his eyes blown wide, but his gaze still blank an unmoving.

Izzy chilled to the bones, she had never seen something like that. With shaking hands she took her mobile out of her leather pants and dialed Magnus’ number, a wave of relieve washing through her when the warlock picked up after the third ring.

In an instant the two Shadowhunters saw a portal appear, Magnus stepping through it with a grim expression on his face. His magic was already frizzling at his finger tips, when he approached the unmoving body of his friend. He let it lose and the blue sparks embraced Jace, but as if Jace was water and the magic oil, the magic just washed over him and was thrown back without having any effect. The frown on Magnus’s face deepened. He tried it again, but with the same result. “Let’s get him home,” he said quietly, “I contact Catarina, maybe she knows something. Izzy, do you remember anything of the spell the warlock has cast? It is for sure something really nasty if it leaves him in this catatonic state.”

He bend down to pick up Jace to carry him through the portal. He was surprised how heavy Jace’s body was, as the young boy looked so fragile in his embrace. Jace’s eyes were still open, his pupils darting from the left to the right, but without seeing anything. But somehow, Magnus’ felt a distress radiating from the boy in his arms.

“Sh, I’ve got you, we will find a way to free you. We will get you out of there.”

***

The first thing Jace noticed was the lack of blood. His head ached tremendously, but when he touched the sensitive spot, his hands felt only hair and skin, no warmth of flowing blood, which should be there. He tried to sit up, at first his body wanted to refuse his command, but with all his willpower, he bend it to his wish.

He stood shakily on his legs and looked around. He stood in the middle of an ashen wasteland. The sand underneath him was grey and so were the clouds above him, but the most disturbing was the grey burning sun, which shone down on him between the racing clouds. In the faint distant he saw huge mountains, covered in greyish snow. He slowly turned around, but there was no other color to be seen, the whole world was made of different shades of grey.

He was alone, there was no sign of Maria or Izzy. He reached for his spare Seraph blade, which was safely tugged in the holster on his ankle. He had no fucking idea where he was and what had happened. He remembered fighting against the dark warlock, he remembered the hit and the fall, but he most definitely didn’t remember getting to this desolate hell. He had no idea where to turn to, as everything just looked the same. There was no vegetation, just rocks, dirt and sand. He looked up at the sky and he tried to figure which time in the day it was from the stand of the sun, but he could have sworn that the sun had moved rapidly in the few minutes he had not looked at it.

It was not often that he was at a loss what to do, but this was one of those times. He gripped the blade harder and slowly started to move, when he heard the screams, screams he would recognize anywhere and anytime. Alec.

Without thinking, his body urged forward in a run, in a desperate need to get to his lover. The closer he got, the louder and more painful the screams got. He shouted Alec’s name, letting the older boy know that he was coming, that he was there.

Alec lay sprayed out on a kind of platform, stripped naked and bound at his ankles and wrists. He looked like an offering on an altar. In an instant Jace was there, but Alec didn’t seem to notice him, he just screamed louder.

Feverishly, Jace tried to let his lover know that he was there and to cut the ropes at the same time, but it was in vain. The blade slipped out of his fingers, the ropes were indestructible and Alec just didn’t look at him. With a curse Jace gathered the fallen blade from the dirty ground, hacking at the rope once again with all his force. He saw no wounds or anything else, which would make Alec scream like that, it had to be the shackles, he needed to free him.

From the force with which he tried to cut the ropes, the blade shattered into a million pieces. Jace screamed in frustration, trying to reach out to Alec’s face, but there seemed to be a transparent wall, he just couldn’t reach through to Alec. Desperately, he looked around and all of a sudden, he saw a sword, lying a few feet away.

“I’m right back, Alec, hold on, I’m right back.” Alec just screamed louder in responds. Jace jumped up and darted towards the massive sword, but when his fingers tightened around the hilt, the screaming suddenly died.

Jace turned around just to find Alec lying in a huge pool of blood, the crimson of the blood the only color in a world full of grey. Jace knew without having to check, that Alec was dead. He had died again. Again alone. Nevertheless, he urged forward and this time there was no wall, this time he could scoop up Alec’s limp body and burry his head in Alec’s nape, a desperate cry coming deep from inside.

The vessels were gone, it was just Alec’s lifeless body left and so much blood, the blood was still pouring out of Alec, covering the whole altar in crimson red. When Jace screamed again, the world around him changed, the altar where he had been kneeling gone, he was suddenly surrounded by a soft meadow, the feeling of grass tickling at his hands. The grass was grey and so were the bushes and trees, which surrounded him. He looked astonished at his hands, the red was gone, the blood was gone. Alec was gone.

He scrambled to his feet, his hand reaching for the blade at his ankle, but he knew it had shattered – but instead of reaching for an empty holster, the blade was where it belonged. Jace shook his head, but he gripped it firmly. It was nearly peaceful for a moment, but then the screaming started again. Alec. Jace broke into a run, this time Alec was fighting against a demon, already bleeding but still on his feet. Jace threw himself between the demon and Alec, he would, he must protect his lover this time.

Jace had no idea why, but Alec was screaming all the time, an antagonizing heartbreaking sound. Jace managed to cut the head of the demon, but before he could turn around to Alec, another demon appeared, slightly away, but with grey fireballs on his hands, throwing them at the two boys. Jace started to run again, avoiding all fireballs and cutting the second daemon in half with one blow. When he turned, he just turned in time to watch Alec burn, hit by the last fireball thrown by the demon. Alec was dead. Again he had died alone.

The world shifted beneath Jace’s feet again, this time he was at a grey lake. Again, he found his blade, again he heard the screams. This time, Jace watched Alec drown while he tried to get a boat to come for him, again, Alec had died alone.

After that, the world shifted for the forth time, in this world Alec fell off a clip, drawing in the last shaky breaths and yelling his last screams on dirty rocks and grey stones, his bones smashed to pieces, while Jace watched helplessly from above. The next time, Alec died from a gun shot, which shouldn’t work on a Shadowhunter, but since when had that stopped Alec from dying?

Each time Alec died, the world shifted and Jace was in another greyish nightmare. In each hell, he was doomed to watch Alec die, he could never save him – and he was never there when the actual dying happened.

Alec died every damn time, and every time alone. After the 20th time Jace saw the love of his life die, he finally broke down, sobbing on his knees, begging for it to stop, that he couldn’t take it anymore, that he was done watching. But then he felt the world shift again and the screams started, so he pulled himself together and darted forward, maybe this time, he would be able to save Alec or at least be with him when he died. Maybe this time, he was more than the worthless Shadowhunter everyone left behind.

***

They had laid Jace down on his bed in Magnus’ master bedroom, his eyes were still open but his body not responding to anything. His eyes darted restlessly from right to left, sometimes vanishing completely so that only the white of his eyes was to be seen. But besides that, he was not moving at all. It seemed, he was somehow trapped in his own body.

Maria was in pieces, she knew by killing the warlock she had taken away Jace’s best hope of a cure. “I’ll get a Silent Brother.”

Izzy nodded gratefully, even though she doubted that one could help, but they had to try everything.

“Izzy, you have to remember what he said. Maybe when we know what we are dealing with, we can reverse it.” Izzy nodded, but it had been so fast and she had not really paid attention to the words, spoken in a foreign language.

Silently, a green portal appeared and Catarina stepped through it, still wearing her doctor’s overall, which was sprinkled with small drops of blood. One look at Jace was enough to draw a frown on her already exhausted face. Her green magic washed over the blond, but like Magnus’, it repelled like water from a fisherman’s jacket.

“He is under a kind of curse. He is trapped inside. The good thing is, he is still alive, but we have to get him out of there. I assume the warlock is dead?” When Izzy nodded, Catarina sighed, and before she could ask, the brunette started to speak.

“He said something which sounded like _timor maximus_ and _ripetere._ I’m sorry, I can’t remember it correctly or more of it.”

At her words, Magnus and Catarina shared a horrified look. There was a spell with these three Latin words, which let the victims live through his greatest fear over and over again, until finally they couldn’t take it anymore and killed themselves. What was even worse, the spell could only be lifted by the warlock who had spoken it – or by the victims themselves, when they finally accepted the fear and overcame it, but greatest fears were greatest fears for a reason, nearly no one managed it before they got mad or ended up killing themselves.

When they told Izzy, she stubbornly shook her head, holding back the tears tingling in her eyes forcefully.

“There must be a way.” What was the sense in having the most powerful warlock and the most competent healer at her side when they had not been able to save her big brother and now also her other big brother. No fucking way. She sat down bedside Jace, popping his body up so that he leaned against the wall in a sitting position. She cupped his chin as to force him to look at her, but his eyes stayed restless. “Don’t pretend to not hear me, Jace. You will come back to me, do you understand? You will come back to me.” She slapped him, hard, still blinking away the tears, which wanted desperately to fall.

***

Jace felt a small sting on his left cheek, confused his raised his hand to touch his skin. But then the screaming started and Jace exploded into action. He was tired, his body was tired of running and fighting, his mind and heart were tired of seeing Alec die over and over again, but he forced his will on his body to move quickly, he had a task to fulfil.

When the world beneath him turned again, he found himself in the streets of New York. As always, the world was painted in a palette of grey tones, dark grey, light pastel grey, nearly white grey, but always grey. The only color was always Alec’s blood all over himself and on Jace’s hands, as no matter how far away he stood, Alec’s blood always ended up on his hands.

The streets were empty, no one seemed around. He was unsure what to do, no matter what he had done, which direction he had chosen to go to or if he had just stayed in place, it had always ended the same. He was just about to march towards a huge building, when something in the corner of his eye got his attention. He slowly turned around, the iron grip of the blade turning his knuckles white. But the instant he caught eye of who stood there, the blade shattered to the ground with a clinging noise.

Alec. The raven boy stood there, just a few feet away, a small smile tugging on his lips when their eyes locked. He looked younger than Jace last remembered him, his impressive eyebrows were slightly arched, his dark brown hair looked straight out of bed, his plush lips were a soft pink. He was dressed in his usual and only color of his wardrobe: black. He looked exactly like his Alec, but then totally different. He seemed kind of translucent, yet he was the only color in this world. “Alec.” Jace's soft gasp sounded more like a prayer than anything else.

Alec’s smile widened and he stepped closer. “Jace. My Jace.” But before Jace could answer, the screams started again, and the screams sounded not less than Alec than this translucent version of him. Jace groaned in frustration, drawn between the urge to finally save Alec and talk to this Alec. But of course, the need to protect won, he scooped up the blade from the ground and broke into a run towards the screaming. Alec just stood there and watched the other Alec get hit by a car, shaking his head in dismay.

***

After Izzy had slapped Jace again, a small gasp escaped the blond. “Alec” they heard him whisper, before he fell into his catatonic state again.

“What does that mean?” Izzy demanded to know.

“I think that means Izzy, that Jace’s biggest fear is losing Alec. Still.”

Izzy drew in a shaky breath, contemplating what Magnus had said. This time, she let the tears fall, stroking gently Jace’s cheek. After over a year of having lost Alec, there was still nothing what frightened Jace more. She thought about what this said about Jace, about the possibility that he could save himself from this curse and about the possibility for him to live on if he did so.

***

Jace’s attempts to talk to Alec while getting distracted by the death screams of another Alec happened another few times, before Alec finally cut in. “You know that this is not me you are trying to save, Jace. You know I am already dead.”

“But you are also not Alec.” Jace hissed back.

“True. But you can stop trying Jace, he will always die. As I am already dead, you cannot save this Alec, no matter how hard you try.”

“But..” Jace squirmed in agony, not knowing where to go to, he wanted to stay, but he also wanted to go. The increasing screams won, he turned around and started to run. Alec sighed again.

The next time the world shifted, they landed at the beach they had held Alec’s funeral. “Jace.” Alec’s voice was gentle, he raised one of his translucent hands as to touch Jace, but he stopped inches away. The blond looked at him with so much pain in the mismatched eyes, it was nearly unbearable. The screaming started in the faint distance.

“Stay with me, Jace. You know it is not Alec.” Jace’s hunted eyes darted between the spot where the screams echoed through the grey hell and the image of Alec, who seemed so much like his real one. His fists clenched open and close, his body was already on the move when finally Jace decided to disobey the urge. With all inner strength left, he laid down on the sand, the grey grains warmed by the greyish sun. The tenderness in Alec’s words outweighed the desperate, pained screams.

“If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Jace was pleading, but he couldn’t change that. He still heard the screams getting more desperate, more urgent, calling to him in a deeply instinctual and primal way. He dug his fingernails in his palms to keep himself from giving in to the physical need to run to the screams, to sooth them, to finally save Alec.

Alec stood at the exact same spot where the pyre had burnt in a different lifetime and a different world. He watched a moment the rough grey sea, before he turned around, a small smile on his lips.

“I don’t have much time left.” But he settled down beside his lover, popping himself up on his right elbow to face Jace, their faces only inches away. Jace thought he could smell a swift of cherry blossoms. A swift of death.

“What is being dead like?” His voice was strained with fear and hope, hope for his lover to feel the same calmness he had felt, fear for the true answer.

“You know what it is like, Jace.” Alec still had the small smile on his face.

“Peaceful?” Jace would have preferred to hear it from Alec himself, but he had to settle with the nod and the open, honest look in the hazel eyes.

“Can you ever forgive me?” Jace had to bite back the tears hiding beneath his eyelids. Alec’s smile turned sad.

“There is nothing to forgive, Jace. Nothing.”

“I let you die alone, I was not there for you.”

“No, Jace, that’s not true and you know it. I never felt alone. I felt more loved than ever before, and when you feel loved, you don’t feel alone. You never left me Jace. I was never alone”

“Please Alec, come back to me. I don’t know how to live without you. The world is so dark without you.”

“I am dead, Jace. I cannot come back.”

“I was dead, I came back.”

“You were always the exception, Jace.” Alec chuckled lightly, a fond expression on his serious face.

“The exception to what?”

“For me, to everything. You are the golden boy. My golden boy. You have enough light in yourself Jace. Just let it shine.”

“Silver is the more precious metal, Alec, rarer than gold. You were always the more special one. It has always been like that. I’m not golden. I don’t shine. There is only darkness.”

“Darkness is good. When the night is the darkest it just means the light is about to come back. You need the darkness to see the light as much as you need the light to understand the darkness. It’s the grey we need to fear.”

Jace looked around, he understood what Alec meant. Nothing was worse than this greyish hell.

“I don’t see the light right now, Alec, I just don’t.”

“You will, Jace, you will. Just give it time. Do you remember what we talked about?”

Jace closed his eyes for a brief moment before he searched his lover’s face for any sign of disapproval or disappointment.

“I’m trying, Alec, I am really trying. I cannot force myself to be happy.”

“Oh I know you try, I know you do. I’m not talking about happiness. I’m talking about love. You need someone who loves you. But I think as much as you need being loved, you need someone you can love.”

“I love you.”

“And I love you, even death cannot change that. But you need someone who is alive.”

Jace shook his head. He couldn’t imagine loving someone like he loved Alec. Not now, not ever.

“You will find that person, I know it. When you meet him or her, you will know it. Just like you knew when you met me, all these years back. It will all work out, Jace. Maybe not soon, but it will. You do trust me, Jace, do you?”

“Of course. With my heart, my soul, my everything.”

“Then trust me one last time. You will find the love you are meant to find, and I will never stop loving you. Just don’t forget that, I loved you since the day I lay eyes on you and that will never stop. I need you to go now, Jace, they are calling you.”

Jace had started to cry at Alec’s words and was crying even harder now. The sand beneath him turned golden where his tears hit the ground.

“No, don’t leave me, Alec. Stay with me. Just a little longer.”

“I’ll never leave you, Jace. But this is not my world, and neither is it yours. We both need to go. You need to go back, and I need to go forward. Take care of our little sister Jace, she is calling out for you.”

And now he could hear it, too, Izzy’s desperate voice calling out his name, more pronounced now than the screams from the dying Alec, which still could be heard and still send shivers down the blond’s spine. Slowly, Jace nodded, his hand rubbing over his tired face.

“Ok.” With that, he closed his eyes and leaned in to brush his lips against the inviting pink of Alec’s, and the raven boy smiled into the kiss. It was not an actual kiss, it was a brush of smooth air against Jace’s lips, but he tasted cherries on his tongue.

When he opened his eyes he still had the taste of the sweet fruit on his tongue, mixed with the salty taste of his own tears, but he no longer saw Alec, instead he saw his sister, who looked at him with wide eyes before she pulled him in and hugged him as if she never wanted to let go of him. He let her embrace him, feeling the despair and loneliness, which had taken over his body and mind over the last months fade away. There was light, Alec had been right. Alec was always right. And he was gone, there was nothing Jace could do about it. It would hurt, it would always hurt, but for maybe the first time since he had come back to find Alec dead in his bed, he felt a ray of sunshine which could be described as hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this weird? If so, I hope in a good way. Please let me know your thoughts!  
> And who detected the line from Snow Patrol? The song played endlessly in my head while writing this chapter, so I couldn't resist (at least not Star Wars this time, I guess).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are interested, I've added a bit back story to the dark warlock in chapter 2, just look for the first * and underneath you find it, it doesn't change the content really, just gives some information why the warlock acts like he does.  
> thanks @Nathanoy 25 for pointing out this gap

Jace watched the graduation of Clary and Simon with mixed feelings. He was proud of Clary that she had managed to accomplish it but he also knew that this would mark another turning point in his life. After the party, Clary and Simon would head directly to Los Angeles, to find their own places in the Shadow World, without the long shadows of the war and the pressure which came with being a hero at the age of 18. Izzy would follow them the day after. To his own surprise, he let out an anxious breath when Simon successfully drank from the Mortal Cup and ascended into the ranks of a true Shadowhunter. He hadn’t noticed how tense he had been until that moment, the story of the failed ascending and gruesome death of another student last year was still on everyone’s mind. He felt Izzy next to him relax and sigh in relief when Simon’s first rune lit up the way it was supposed to be and he showed no other sign of pain except a small hiss. He took her sweaty hand and pressed it reassuringly.

“He’s tougher than he looks.”

“He sure is.” Izzy’s voice sounded a bit raspy and Jace just raised his eyebrow in amusement, maybe the next trio would get a couple in their midst. Even though he felt that no one would ever be good enough for his little sister, he could admit, at least secretly to himself, that Simon came pretty close. Despite his sometimes annoying habit of talking way to much about way to uninteresting topics, he had proven himself a true, loyal and brave friend. He had given up his immortality and his Vampirism willingly to Asmodeus to save the rest of them and then shown no hesitation of following the hard path of becoming a Shadowhunter the traditional way. Yes, if one, he thought Simon could be the boy he would approve of for Izzy, even though he would not tell that to him – or that Izzy would care either way, she was too independent to need his approval. But he hugged first Clary and then a slightly astonished looking Simon with genuine joy for the two of them, for the three of them really.

Then Izzy left. Jace helped her carry her belongings, though it was not much. His prediction had unfortunately been correct, her parents didn’t have it in them to forgive her for going away and following her own path, not seeing their part in chasing her away. And though she didn’t let it show, Jace knew she had hoped they would at least turn up to say goodbye. He saw the darting look to the door in her bedroom, but the Litghtwoods had left for Idris in the early morning and wouldn’t come back until the next day. He sighed, Izzy deserved so much better. So he pulled her into a tight hug, whispering “I’m here, I’m always here for you little sis” in her ear, before he shouldered her duffle bag and smiled at Magnus, who had opened the portal to the other Institute.

Izzy looked around the room of her childhood, which looked strangely empty. She had fond memories of this room, she remembered Max’ first steps taken in this room, when he had tried to bring his favorite toy which Alec had given him to her, and crawling had been too slow and unpractical with one hand occupied. So he had stood up and tried to walk, the toy clutched in his small fist and a proud grin on his face, which hadn’t faltered even when he had fallen after the first unsteady steps.

She remembered curling up next to Alec, while her older brother had read some mundane books to her, which had been strictly forbidden by her parents, but Alec had read them anyway, because Izzy could never get enough of the mundane fairy tales and stories about witches and wizards. She remembered Jace joining their reading sessions, first a frightened, withdrawn boy who didn’t seem to belong anywhere, but soon he and they had discovered that he belonged right there with and to them, to Alec in particular.

She remembered dancing joyfully with Jace to the latest pop songs, singing along the silly lyrics and trying to roll her hips in the seductive way she had seen on screen from the music clips – a task she had managed to accomplish in no time, alongside with a grinning Jace, who was a born dancer, in harsh contrast to Alec who had just rolled his eyes at them and had never managed to dance more than awkwardly.

She remembered getting drunk with her two older brothers for the first time and throwing up in the morning, all three of them swearing that they would never touch that stuff again. Also the memories of one or two boys she had smuggled into the Institute crossed her mind, but neither of them had been important, not in the way her brothers had been and still were.

Looking at her empty room, which already now felt like she didn’t belong there anymore, also the bad memories surfaced, and she didn’t even mean the mourning after Max’s death which had left her in pieces and locked up in her room, until Jace and Alec had turned up and curled up next to her, Alec an old copy of Harry Potter in hand and reading to her like he had done when she had been little.

She also didn’t mean the time when she had mourned Alec, this time without Jace as he had spent his nights with Magnus at his loft, but with the constant presence of Clary and Simon, with whom she had skyped and shared her tears online. No, it were the memories of her mother scolding at her, telling her she was a disgrace to the Lightwood name, because her dresses were too short, her boyfriends changed too often or anything alike, which made her heart ache and had made her want to leave in the first place. With the death of two of her brothers, this place hadn’t felt like home any longer, as only they had made it home in the first place. Of course there was Jace, her brother in all but blood, but since Alec’s death he had not spent a single night at the Institute, Izzy knew that he hadn’t felt at home here for long, the hostility directed at him during the war had never been forgotten. She hoped he would also find a place where he felt at home again, as she hoped for herself that she would find this place next to the Blackthorns with Clary and Simon as her friends and maybe even more. A small smile tugged at her lips when she thought of Simon. She was not quick in giving her heart away, but she was aware that it might happen.

Jace’s soft words whispered in her ear chased away the coldness and bad feelings, she turned around and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. “You know I’m always here for you, too, Jace. You know I’m not leaving you, right?”

“I know, Iz, I know. I’ve forgotten it for a while, but deep down I think I always knew it.” _Alec just needed to remind me of the light._ A sad smile washed over his face. He was still not sure if the translucent Alec had been the real one, if this was even possible, but he liked to think it was. He wanted to believe. In the peaceful afterlife, Alec deserved like no other. The experience had been hell, but strangely, despite the turmoil he had gone through while seeing Alec die in every way possible, he had felt comforted afterwards. He knew that the dying Alec had not been true but a cruel imagination of his worst fear, but he thought that his Alec had come one last time for him to save him. The memory still hurt, he doubted it would ever stop hurting, but now he truly felt that it was also ok that it still did, as long as he didn’t let the pain and hurt overrule every other feeling and pull him back into the grey wasteland. He was still not sure how he truly felt about finding a new love, but there was time for that. Nevertheless, this experience had taught him something else about himself.

As much as he had loved Alec as a person, nearly as much Jace had loved the feeling of belonging. The first 10 years of his life, he had belonged to his father in all the wrong ways. His father had isolated him, had made sure that he had known only him and his ways, that everything which he had done to the young boy had seemed reasonable to him, no matter how much he had punished him or hurt him in other ways. Valentine had taught his son to obey, to submit, to never question him as this would lead to his outcast. Jace had been a kid, and he had taken what he was offered, the unstable and abusive love of his father.

After this was ripped away of him, Izzy and mostly Alec had filled this gap, showing him that there was another way of belonging, a way which didn’t mean to surrender and give up yourself to be kept, but that he was loved just for his own sake and belonged to someone without having to proof himself worthy time over time again. But Jace felt that it was time to be on his own now, to not fill this need of belonging with the next best thing, but to understand more about himself and what drove him, maybe to make his inner peace with the person he was. If Alec was still alive, none of it had mattered, as Alec had guided him through the darkness and the light, but now Jace needed to be his own compass. So he had also decided to leave, not to follow Izzy, but to take up the offer of the other Institute which had proposed him a spot during Alec’s sickness. He would spend a couple of days with Izzy in L.A., then a couple of more days with Magnus at one of his get-aways, to think everything over again and to just spend time with his friend. Then he would move on to hopefully find a way to cope with himself. He was nervous, but not scared, as Magnus’ offer to portal him whenever to whatever location anytime stood, an offer he had given Izzy as well, and Jace was sure that this was not an end to their friendship, but an improvement. Izzy would be his little sister for eternity, anyhow.

So when he stepped through the portal from the cold New York Institute into the warmness of L.A.’s sun together with his friend and his sister, he felt hopeful and curious for this new beginning.

The time away from his usual duties helped him to relax. The Blackthorns were a hearty family, despite or maybe because they were used to deal with losses, the mother of the 6 children just had died, they welcomed their new additions with open arms. Izzy was made the Head of the Armory, a job which fitted her skills pretty well. She felt a small pang of sadness, realizing that people who just had met her trusted more in her abilities than her own parents ever had. As Simon and Clary had just completed the Academy, they just were regular Shadowhunters, but this suited them well. Clary got the chance to work on her special rune creation skills and Simon to get further used to his new status.

Jace left his sister and her friends with a good feeling, they also had pressured him in the promise to weekly skype calls, and though he had pretended to be annoyed, he secretly loved this demonstration of sisterly and friendly affection. He portaled with Magnus to his beach house with a smile on his lips.

“This place is awesome, Mags, why have you never brought us here?” Jace looked around the comfortable house with two bedrooms, an open kitchen with an impressive bar and a direct access to the beach.

“Ah, you were always busy with something Jace. Saving the world, killing your father, getting killed, killing your brother…”

Jace just laughed, at the sound of it his hand shot up to cover his mouth. It was the first, real genuine laugh since Alec’s death. It felt strange, it felt wrong. Guilt was washing over his body, but before he could indulge in that feeling, Magnus stepped close to him, cupping his chin tenderly, forcing him to lock eyes.

“You know that it’s fine. Laughing is a good thing, Jace.”

“I haven’t said anything.” Jace huffed, slightly annoyed, he didn’t like to be readable like that.

“Come on, Jace, I know you and the little head of yours well enough by now. Don’t freak out.”

“I’m not freaking out. It just, it just feels wrong.”

“I know. But this will go away, I can promise you that. At first I also always felt that way, but in the end, one day, you discover you are laughing with someone and the familiar pang of guilt is missing. And this is good.”

“I know. He wants me to be happy.” Jace sighed and stepped tentatively a little closer, it was still awkward for him to seek physical comfort and closeness from other people than Alec and Izzy. Magnus smiled and closed his arms around the blond, he had noticed the shift in Jace’s usage of tense, since Jace had been trapped inside himself he often talked about Alec in the present tense. Maybe under other circumstances he would have considered it an alarming signal, but Magnus knew that Jace didn’t doubt Alec’s death, but somehow had found the believe in a kind of afterlife for him, and who was he to question that? They were magical beings, even ghosts existed, so why not an afterlife?

“Will you be all right, Jace?” The blond took a short moment to truly think over this question, he had accepted that sometimes it was better to be honest about feelings than to bottle them up.

“Yes, I will. And if not, I know who to call.”

“Good. Let’s order some dinner, shall we?”

With a small nod Jace agreed to the plan.

***

Despite his nervousness, it was easy to settle to a new rhythm. The Irish Institute was based in Belfast, even though Belfast was located in Northern Ireland nowadays. But the Institute went back way beyond the division of the country, which happened in the 20th century. It would have been too much trouble to relocate a whole Institute with its strong glamours and protection spells, so the Clave decided to leave it in Belfast even after the Irish War, not caring about mundane politics or borders anyway. Belfast was a divided city which strangely matched Jace’s mood and feelings. As torn apart as the city was, as torn apart was Jace. He still felt the empty spot in his heart and soul, the place where Alec had been, it still ached, but he felt slowly the emptiness in the rest of him fill with other things. The Institute knew of course about the War and who Jace’s father was and what he had accomplished, but the members there were far from being as judgmental as the Shadowhunters in the US. He was glad either way, he was glad that no one considered him lesser just because Valentine was his father but also he was glad that no one had exceeded expectations in him and his skills. It was nice to be normal for once, to just be part of a team. At the beginning he kept to himself, not sure how to act around the others. The Head of the Institute, who had asked him to transfer to Belfast, Charlotte Branwell, was an experienced leader, a middle-aged woman who had seen a lot young Shadowhunters at the edge of adolescent to adulthood. She had heard about Jace and his special skills, that’s why she had requested him, but she had also thought that he would match her small team well. The Irish Institute was rather small and needed to cover the whole country, but in comparison, they had a lot demon activities. They really needed fresh blood to strengthen their team. After a few trial and errors, it seemed she had found a good match for her newest arrival. Though at the beginning it had seemed that the two strong-willed boys would rather clash than click, a mission where they had been caught by surprise had shown how well the two boys clicked. They both had the tendency to recklessness, but instead of cheering each other on what Charlotte had feared, they balanced each other out, one time Liam was the voice of reason, the other time Jace.

Liam was a 20-year-old Shadowhunter, who had grown up as a mundane with the sight. His parents had died in a car accident when he was still in elementary school. Ever since then, he had been passed along from foster family to foster family, neither of them was willing to put up with his strong will and as they thought over boarding imagination. When he grew older, he learned to hide the things he saw, the faes dancing in a park, the nixies in the lakes or werewolves racing through the forests. When he was approached by a Clave official when he turned 13, he felt like Harry Potter when Hagrid payed him a visit to tell him he was a wizard. He didn’t blink once and had packed up his things in an instant to move to the Academy. The Clave told the foster family and mundane officials, that a long lost relative had turned up to take care of Liam, faking the necessary documents with the help of a warlock, after the Dark War a standard procedure to refill the diminished ranks of the Shadowhunters. Charlotte had agreed to take young Liam in, so in between terms at the Academy he spent his time there, learning and training everything there was to learn. What the mundane families had not accomplished, Charlotte achieved in 8 weeks of summer holidays: Liam found a new home. In the Academy he soon became one of the best students, what he lacked in experience he made up with an iron will and endless training hours. Overall, considered their similarities, it was not strange that the two boys took a liking into each other.

It felt great to spar again against someone equal, who enjoyed fighting and winning as much as Jace did, but who could also accept a loss. First they mostly interacted in the training room and on missions, but slowly, Jace discovered that he could talk to Liam also about other things. The next time Liam and his friends hit the club, they invited the blond along and after a short moment of hesitation Jace accepted and joint, rather surprised later how much he had enjoyed himself.

As the team was indeed small, Jace spent a lot time alone with Liam on missions, as most of the times the Institute could not spare more than two Shadowhunters at the same time. After a while, Jace stated astonished during one of his weekly calls with Izzy and the others, that he felt as comfortable speaking with Liam than being silent with him, sharing silence sometimes the clearer sign of friendship than constant talking. The final step towards real friendship was the moment he told Liam about Alec, the true story about falling in love with his Parabatai, following through with it despite the law, losing the bond due to his own death and then Alec’s premature death. It was hard, but it felt good at the same time to tell someone who had not been in the inner circle, but understood him nevertheless.

***

At Alec’s 2nd anniversary, the friends met again at the beach, the first time since the last anniversary that all of them were together. Jace smiled when he saw the tentative but completely swoon way Simon hold Izzy’s hand. It was a cold, rainy day, the greyish clouds were chasing each other. They had built a fire in the middle of the beach to warm themselves; the whole group crouched around it. This time, it felt more like one group than separate groups. After a while, Magnus started to show magical images of Alec, which he had collected from the friends. Jace sat comfortably between his two sisters, Clary had swung one arm around him and Izzy had curled into him, it was nice to feel their bodies pressed into him, giving him the comfort he needed to see the pictures. It were pictures of a very young Alec, memories form Izzy, when he hold Max in his arms when he was just a baby or memories of his first lessons with a bow. Alec’s skin was still unmarked to that time, a strange image to Jace who had only known him with his prominent Deflect rune on his neck, which he had loved to kiss and bite. The next image was from him and Alec, both staring at each other in awe during their Parabatai ceremony, the love clearly visible even if both of them had then not yet known it. The images switched as was the mood in them, sometimes they showed happy moments, but also the darker moments were not forgotten: Alec’s crouched figure the moment he had felt Jace fade away when Valentine killed him, Alec at a funeral for a mutual friend. And then came images from Alec’s sickness with a bold head and no eyebrows, yet, each picture which showed him with Jace the adoration between the two was as clear as at the first day. Jace had no idea that he was crying, until he rubbed absentmindedly at his face and felt it wet, but they were good tears, healthy ones. He briefly looked up at the clouded sky above the moving sea, and he thought he caught a glimpse of his translucent Alec, looking down at the small group of friends from above. When he blinked, he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a quiet chapter, I hope you liked it. As always, I love to know what you think.


	4. Chapter 4

The next time Jace saw Izzy was when she dragged him into a club in New York. She and Simon had been assigned to a joint mission with the New York Institute, and to let off steam after the strained reunion with her parents, she had asked for Jace’s support, and who was Jace to deny that. Magnus had portaled him from Belfast to New York together with Liam, who was more than excited to go to a New Yorker club and to finally meet his friend’s sister and friend, a mutual feeling. Jace was relieved when they all got along very well, Liam and Simon finding common ground over a comic series neither Izzy nor Jace had ever heard of. Jace stated happily how attached Izzy and Simon were, the small touches and kisses didn’t went unnoticed by him.

As if Izzy was reading his mind, she asked with a small smirk and a seductive wiggle towards Liam: “And what about you, Jace?”

“No, nothing like that. We are just friends. Really good friends, but nothing more. Besides, Liam is straight and well, you know.”

“And what are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you into guys or both or…?”

Jace huffed, chewing on his bottom lip. He had indeed thought about that, but no clear answer yet. He had just always been into Alec. Before Alec he had kissed some girls, but it had been innocent kisses, he had been 14 at that time. And after Alec had shoved him into the wall of the training room in the New York Institute and kissed him senseless, no other had crossed his mind, it had always been Alec. After his death, he had not felt attracted to anyone, the grief too profound.

“Both I guess? I don’t really know, Iz.”

“It’s time to get you back in the game, Jace. The girl over there is more than interested in you.” She nodded slightly towards a beautiful blonde, but Jace just felt a slight panic rising. He definitely was not ready for that. Instead, he ordered more drinks for the table and watched Liam seduce the female werewolf waitress. With a wink he disappeared with her after her shift ended, leaving Jace alone with the two Shadowhunters who were so clearly in love, that Jace needed more to drink to stomach it. When they finally returned to Magnus’ loft, Izzy and Simon took one bedroom – Jace hoped they didn’t forget to apply the silencing rune – he stumbled over to Magnus’ room, where he had slept most of the times anyway while he had stayed with Magnus.

After a short moment of hesitation, Jace stripped down to his boxers, only thanks to his Shadowhunter reflexes he managed not to fall over, he was really drunk.

“Jace, what are you doing?” Magnus’s voice was drowsy, he popped himself up on one elbow sleepily.

“I have no fucking glue.” Jace mumbled while he collapsed next to Magnus, moving closer.

“Are you trying to seduce me, Jace Morgenstern?”

Jace laughed helplessly. “Would that be so bad?”

“Yes, actually it would. We are friends, Jace and besides, you are drunk as a skunk.”

Jace sighed, there was not much point in arguing that. “But Izzy said that I should get back at the game. And I am hot. You are hot and you are…” he blushed and swallowed down what he had actually wanted to say.

“Immortal and therefore not so likely to die?”

“Yes.”

Magnus chuckled lightly. “As tempting as your offer is, Jace, I have to decline. I understand you, I really do, but you know that’s not right. And Izzy can say what she wants, if you are not ready now that’s totally fine.”

Jace sighed, relieve washing over him. He knew he was being silly and Izzy hadn’t meant for him to fuck the next best thing right away, but he had kind of felt pressured. He sighed again lightly and closed his eyes, already drifting off to sleep when Magnus nudged him at the side.

“You need to move to your bed or you will freak out tomorrow morning.”

“But it’s so comfortable here.” Jace whined, his speech was slurred with boost and sleepiness. He fished for his jeans and pulled out a pen, writing in huge letters on the inside of his hand “Don’t freak out” and looked triumphantly at Magnus.

“See, problem solved.” With that he rolled over and started to snore lightly, before Magnus could even reply. He just rolled his eyes but smiled fondly and rearranged himself to find sleep again.

When Magnus felt Jace stir beside him, he lazily tried to open his eyes and watched the young Shadowhunter with an amused look. The blond groaned and his hand shot up to his temples, massaging them with a grimace. The grimace slowly turned into a look of shock when he realized where he was lying and that he was practically naked. Magnus couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“Look at your hand”, he advised Jace, still laughing. Jace frowned but followed the order and read the message he had written for himself. His drunken self was a genius, Jace figured while exhaling in relief.

“So we didn’t…?”

“No, we didn’t, though next time I might take you up on your persistent offer” he added with a smirk and a wink, while getting up and dressed, still laughing at the incredulous face Jace made.

“Breakfast darling?”

The blond groaned and huffed, but couldn’t help the grin. “I’ll take a large coffee, _sweetheart._ ”

***

The third year after Alec’s death went by rather uneventfully. Izzy was promoted to second in command next to the Head of the L.A. Institute, Andrew Blackthorn, a fact which made her proud beyond words. Of course they gathered together celebrating that huge step in her career, again Liam was joining the circle of friends, as he and Jace had become really close.

Despite the easiness with which Jace had settled into the daily life of the Irish Institute, sometimes he wandered if this was really it, if this was the way he wanted his life to go further. When he watched Liam’s excitement and devotion to the Clave and the cause in general, he couldn’t deny that for him it was different. The Clave had disappointed him more than once, he had no faith in them to truly want the best for the Shadow World, they were just power hungry people like the Lightwoods who saw only the next move to secure their careers. He wandered if his stance would be different if he had been given the choice, like Liam had been. Liam had lived as a mundane and then actively decided to become a Shadowhunter, whereas Jace had just been born into it. He was aware that this was true for all full blooded Shadowhunters, and most seemed at ease with that. He just wandered sometimes what else he could have been, if fate had given him a choice. But for all these reasons, he was glad that Charlotte chose Liam to be her substitute when the old one transferred to another Institute, and not him. He saw the looks some fellow Shadowhunters gave him, expecting him to be disappointed or even openly opposed, but he truly felt just relieved and happy for Liam. If someone was made for this, it was his friend. He had the verve and still the necessary believe in the whole system to make change happen, whereas Jace would not even bother with trying on his own, as he was too disillusioned. But he was determined to support Liam in all ways possible.

In his private life, Jace took small steps forward. He had always liked flirting, even when he had been with Alec, but he had realized that he had stopped it completely, the grief to severe to even think about it. Now with Liam and his other friends from the Institute, he realized that he had missed it. The first times it felt awkward, but soon he gained his own drive back, his looks surely helped. The flirting led to the first kiss, which felt even more awkward, but after kissing a few girls and boys, he at least discovered that he definitely didn’t care which gender his partners had. The first kiss he really enjoyed felt even more wrong but instead of freaking out, he stood true to his promise and called Magnus, who talked him through the guilt and the bad feelings. He even had some one-night stands after that, but never something serious, it was more the satisfaction of a bodily need than anything else.

***

The thing Jace still enjoyed the most were the missions with Liam. They clicked, in a completely different way than he had clicked with Alec, Liam was more the male version of Izzy, minus the heels. But they had each other’s backs, they relied blindly on the other to be never too reckless or carefree to endanger the mission or their mutual well-being. In contrast to that, Jace didn’t look forward at all to their next task. One Shadowhunter had managed to get a blow to the head, which had left her unconscious during a hunt and unfortunately, she had been detected by mundanes and therefore transported to a mundane hospital. He and Liam had now the task to recover her and erase all traces of her blood and existence at the hospital, to not rise suspicion among the mundane population.

Liam went to the front desk to find out where the Shadowhunter was located. Jace waited a bit behind, leaning on the wall and fidgeting with his Stele when he heard a girl sob in frustration and anguish. He had no idea what made him stroll over, normally he didn’t interact with mundanes and stayed as invisible as possible. But before he could stop himself, he stood in front of the girl, who wore black leggings with a short sweat pant and an oversized hoody, together with a woolen grey beany, despite the rather warm temperature in the room.

“Are you all right?” Jace asked and when she looked he draw in a shaky breath, something in her blue teary eyes looked utterly familiar.

“Yes, I always stand in the corner and cry. Totally normal for me.” The snarky remark made Jace smile. He leaned next to her, looking intensely at her, noticing the mobile, which she clutched in her hand.

“Bad news?” he nodded towards the cell.

The girl just laughed sadly, but then as if she gave herself a push, she continued.

“Only my boyfriend braking up with me. I guess it sounds way more romantic to be the boyfriend of a cancer patient than actually being one.”

“Yeah, most of the time it just sucks.”

“Oh yeah? Ever tried to be the patient? Sucks even more.”

Without realizing it, Jace had stepped closer, nearly touching her now. When he looked at her eyes again, he saw the familiar mixture of fight and despair, of hope and fear he had seen nearly daily for almost a year.

“I don’t doubt that.” He smiled, his smiling being rather on the sad side.

“How do you even know?”

“I was once the boyfriend.”

“So you also broke up?”

Jace bit his lip, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

“No. I stayed with him until the end and watched him die.”

At that the girl looked up, an apologetic expression on her face, but instead of stating how sorry she was, she closed her eyes briefly before carrying on.

“I’m not going to die.”

Jace smiled again, this time the sadness hid under the surface.

“I know. You don’t smell like cherries.”

The girl laughed astonished, despite herself. “You’re a strange person, you know that.”

“I guess so.”

Before she could reply anything, Liam turned up, a room number on his mind and a mission at hand.

“Come on Jace, we’re not here to chat up girls.” Despite his harsh words, he smiled at the girl in an apologetic way. Before Liam could drag Jace away, the blond managed to ask one last question.

“What’s your name?”

“Sasha.”

Jace just laughed helplessly at that, a strange expression on his face. “Of course it is.”

Sasha just looked at him, even more bewildered. “Really strange…” the blond heard her mutter while he fled the scene, stumbling after his friend and trying to regain his composure.

***

“What was that about?” Liam questioned Jace after they had successfully freed the Shadowhunter from the clutches of the mundane world and celebrated that with a beer at a local pub.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh come on man, don’t play the dump blond, I know you’re more than your pretty face. What was that with you and the Mundie? You stared at her like you’ve seen a ghost or something?”

Jace blushed slightly, he hadn’t realized how obvious he had been. “I don’t know. She had something so familiar on her, it’s just, I don’t know.” _When you meet him or her, you will know it._ Alec’s words echoed through his mind.

“She is a mundane, you should stay away you know that, Jace, right?”

“Sure thing.”

“So when will you try to see her again?” Liam smirked at him. Jace laughed and rolled his eyes, his friend knew him too well.

“Soon.”

But it took him over a year to finally see her again.

***

The next anniversary came up and Jace was kind of looking forward to it. It was always nice to be around the group and dedicate one day to his lost love. It still hurt, but as many had predicted the all-consuming pain was over, he still had bad days when he questioned the sense in getting up, but overall, he had become better. Like last year, the day was cold and windy and they had lightened up a huge fire again to keep everyone warm. Jace was in a deep conversation with Magnus when he felt the burning gaze of someone on him and when he looked up, he saw the most familiar hazel eyes in the world lock with his, a fond and loving expression in them. A joyful smile mixed with sadness crossed Jace’s face, before the image – or Alec – vanished again, swallowed by the unruly greyish sea.

***

The demons were more active than ever and Liam and Jace got seldom chances to just hang out together. The few times they had the chance, they often chose the Hunter’s Moon, a pub where mundane world and downworld mingled together in the most pleasant way. Shadowhunters were not seen often there and were also not very welcome, but the two boys were regulars and known for their open-mindedness. Before they even had made their way from the door to the bar, the bartender had already their drinks ready, gin tonic for Liam and beer for Jace. “Thanks man” the blond smiled, while picking up the bottle. They turned around to check out the other guests when Jace froze, his eyes locking on a group of girls, whom he had never noticed here before. They were huddled together over a tabletop football, two of them fighting a serious game against two werewolves, yet it seemed the girls had no idea with whom they were really playing. Jace just nudged Liam in the shoulder before he strolled over, tapping twice on the tabletop to announce that he wanted to challenge whoever won this round. Liam had followed him with an annoyed look on his face, he actually was not in the mood of playing, but when he approached the tabletop football and he noticed who one of the girls was, he smirked at Jace knowingly.

Sasha played with one of her friends, she played defense and Jace had to admit that she did pretty well. She had the habit of taking some shots with the goalkeeper, which often took the wolves by surprise and therefore scored several goals. It seemed the girls were an established team. When she looked up and she realized who the next challenger was, her eyes widened in surprise, drawing a delighted grin from Jace’s face. 

“Hey Sasha. Good to see you again.”

She blushed a little. “Jace.”

“You remember my name?”

“A strange person like you is quite hard to forget.”

An elbow in her side reminded her that she had a game to win and with some effort, she and her friend won against the weres.

“Ready to get your ass kicked?” The friend, Julia, announced with a grin.

“Always.” With a smirk Liam had taken the place opposite of Julia to let Jace play against Sasha. Normally they didn’t play against mundanes as their trained reflexes just gave them an unfair advantage, but this was not about winning. In the end they won anyway, but judging by the joyful banter between Jace and Sasha, there were more winners here.

“Can I buy you a drink?” Sasha didn’t hesitate a second before she accepted, returning with Jace to the bar.

Glancing back to her friends and Liam she rolled her eyes. “Sometimes friends are embarrassing.”

“Tell me about it” Jace gave back when he noticed Liam giving him a thumbs up.

They both laughed and ordered drinks. Jace realized that again he stood closer to her than strictly necessary, but he just couldn’t help himself. She had dark blond short hair and wore white trainers, a faded grey high-waist jeans and a white tee tugged into the trousers. With a gesture, which showed her nervousness she ruffled her short hair.

“So how have you been?”

“Good, actually. I finally kicked cancer’s ass. Still no cherries.” She laughed and Jace joint in.

“That’s awesome. Stay away from them. And I hope you didn’t take that idiot back?”

“Do I look like a fool? No fucking way. No, no boyfriends in sight. What about you?”

“Also no boyfriends. Or girlfriends for that matter” he added with a slight wink, which made her blush a little more.

One drink turned into another and that one into the next, and before they really had noticed, the pub closed and Liam and her friends were ready to call it a night. But before their ways parted, Jace mastered the courage to ask for her phone number.

“Yeah, another year would be too long” she smiled at him while typing her number in his phone.

***

They took it slowly. First they texted, at the beginning just a couple of times a day, but it quickly increased. Jace just rolled his eyes when Liam teased him about it, but he couldn’t help the grin spreading over his face whenever he saw a new message from her. He liked her witty mind and the way she saw things in general, even if their worlds were miles away, they had a lot to say to each other. But Jace saw also the slight concern mixed in Liam’s teasing, and Jace knew where the concern came from. Where it was no problem to have casual flings or affaires with mundanes, serious relationships were strictly forbidden. They were not allowed to tell any mundane about the Shadow World, getting into a serious relationship with a mundane normally turned into the de-runing of the Shadowhunter, so that he was cast out from the community and had to live as a mundane. Besides that, there were the risks of knowing about the Shadow World without having the means to protect oneself. Normally Downworlders left mundanes alone due to the accords, but mundanes with the sight were sometimes targets, lured in by their fascination or caught up in the middle of a fight they normally wouldn’t have seen in the first place.

Jace was very well aware that he played a dangerous game, of the risks he put Sasha in for just going out with her, but he just couldn’t change it, as it was not a game for him, far from it. He was helplessly drawn to the girl, he felt himself fall, slowly but he felt it. She was not beautiful and hot like Izzy or fragile and elf-like than Clary, but she had something special, which called out to him. Once she had asked him what a boy like him wanted with an average girl like her and he had just shrugged, not knowing how to explain that she was everything, but average.

The first couple of dates they just went on regular mundane dates, going to the movies, getting dinner. The first nervousness had soon faded into an easiness, which was mingled with mutual attraction nevertheless. Their first kiss was breathtaking. It was so different to kissing Alec, and yet so similar. Where Alec had been tall and lean, his whole body made of muscles and strength, Sasha was small and soft. Jace loved the way her pliant body pressed into him, the way she had to tilt her head to be able to kiss him. She had full lips, which opened up easily for him, once he had found the courage to press his lips to hers. They had spent the day in the park and her lips were cold, a sharp contrast to the hotness inside and the hot desire building up in Jace’s body. She kissed him shamelessly, using her tongue and her teeth to bite lightly on his bottom lip, a breathless laugh still on her lips. She tasted like chocolate and honey, so different than the burned caramel he was used to, but it just felt like coming home nevertheless. They kissed again and again, until only her shivering body remained them that they were in the middle of the park and a freezing wind had started.

“Your place or mine?” She asked teasingly, now with the first step made, she was drunken with happiness and the need for more.

“Yours.” Jace kissed her again, knowing too well that “mine” would never be an option, as he lived in the Institute and that was not a place for mundanes. But he shook away the cold feeling, concentrating on the warmth in front of him.

Sasha lived closed to Queen’s university, where she studied English, Italian and Literature, to the dismay of her parents and family, who all had degrees in economics and owned a mid-size family business, which they had hoped her only daughter would take over. But she had never taken any interested in it, her world were books in all shapes and kinds and language in general. She dreamed of becoming a journalist or a translator, or maybe even both. When she had told Jace about her plans for the future, Jace had thought about what he would want to study, if given the choice. It had frightened him slightly that he had no idea what that could be, what could interest him beyond killing demons and saving the world. His whole life he had been raised to become a soldier and a warrior and it seemed, that was all he was. But this was not on his mind when he followed her into her flat, the moment the door closed he felt her arms around him again, pressing wantingly against him. He smiled and lifted her up easily, her weight not bothering him at all. She slung her legs around his waist while she never stopped to kiss him. When they undressed each other, her smooth skin shivering with every touch of Jace’s rough, war-marked hands, she gasped when she saw all the scars and battle signs on his body. The runes she saw as tattoos, like most mundanes did, and deep down, he knew that at some point of time he had to make a choice, but this was not now. He just shook his head and kissed her harder, pushing her lightly until her legs hit the bed and she fell on it, looking up with her bright blue eyes with so much trust and lust in them, Jace drew in a sharp breath before lowering himself on her, his hands slipping beneath her thighs.

Waking up next to her the next morning, was something Jace most definitely wanted to get used to. She was still warm from sleep, her voice rough and drowsy.

“Hey there. You alright?”

“More than that” was the smiled reply, before Jace felt her exploring hands on his body one more time.

***

The next weeks were some of the most carefree and happiest he ever had had. That she had known about Alec right from the start was a relieve, he had no intension to hide him but she also didn’t need that. She accepted him as a part of Jace, as much as he could accept that cancer would be a constant companion, just that she was currently cancer free didn’t mean that she was completely healed. Not that Alec and cancer were something you could compare, but a lot people struggled with the acceptance of both. Jace had not the need to discuss Alec constantly with Sasha, but he was glad that he could if he wanted to. Sasha in return was happy to have someone who understood the fear cancer could inflict and how much living through such an experience changed your prospect of life.

But after this first time, which they spent in a kind of bubble where all they needed was each other, the darkness came knocking at their door. The demon activities increased and as they were a small team, the Irish Shadowhunters soon were on constant on-call duty, and Jace had to rush to get back to the Institute not only once during one of their dates. At first she had been understanding, but Jace saw that Sasha started to doubt his explanations and his weak cover stories. He had confided in her that most of the scars on his body had been inflicted by his father, but there were just a lot of things he could not tell her. Why he could not take her to his home, what he really did for a living, why he often turned up with bruises, which vanished the next day. He felt her slipping away, but he had no idea how to prevent it. There was not much he could do, he was just sure that he had to do something. When he hold her close at nights, he soft body curled up into his, stroking her short dark blond hair and listening to her even breathing, he knew that he wanted to spend his life with her, that she was the person he could see his future with. But he had no idea how to accomplish it. He was scared of dragging her into a world of grey and shadows, of endangering her life with the knowledge of evil, but he was also scared of the opposite. Even though he had never had a choice, the Shadow World was all he knew and he couldn’t really picture his life as a mundane.

He did a lot of research, but it seemed there were only two ways: The mundane had to ascend or the Shadowhunter was to suffer the de-runing. And as much as he couldn’t picture himself as a mundane, even less he could picture Sasha as a Shadowhunter. She was a strong personality, a fighter in her own way, but she was most definitely not a fighter in the common sense. She disliked sports or violence, she didn’t like to train, to run. She did yoga, but that was as much as sports went for her. She had friends and a family she loved and a clear goal in mind. He couldn’t see her giving all this up just to fight against demons alongside him. So he was torn apart between two worlds which wouldn’t fit together. Eventually, Sasha made the decision for him.

They sat on a park branch, the sun already low but the temperature was still pleasant. Despite that, Sasha hid her hands in her oversized hoody, her knees drawn to her chest. The last time they had seen each other Jace had run out of her flat in the middle of the night to fight just another demon who had torn mundanes apart in a close by nightclub. She had just watched him go, not even bothering with asking him anymore where he went, a fact which had scared Jace beyond words.

“Jace” she said softly, her voice barely shaking. “I like you, I really do. But I can’t go on like that. You come and go as you like, never telling me anything. We’re dating now for 6 months, and yet I have never been at your place, not a single time. I have no clue what the _family business_ is about, I just know you have to take care of it often. It just, it just seems that I do not know you at all.”

“No, Sash, that’s not true. You know me in every way that counts. Please. Please.” _I love you._ But he bit his tongue, he was not ready to say it out loud yet, even though he knew it was true.

“Then let’s go to your place. Let me in.” She pleaded, but the resignation in her voice showed already the answer she expected and Jace looked down in defeat, pressing his fingernails into his palms to hold him back from screaming.

“You know I can’t, I’m sorry, I.. My family, I told you that… I just can’t.”

“Are you ashamed of me?”

“What? No, never. Why would I be? It is not you, Sash, it is me. Please you have to believe me. I really like you. A lot. More than that.” It was not a real _I love you_ but the closest he managed. Still, it was not enough.

“I’m sorry, Jace, but I can’t play that game any longer. You pretend to like me but you leave me in the middle of no matter what we do as soon as your precious cell phone rings. You don’t even have the decency to tell me for what I am being constantly ditched. Sorry, Jace, I just can’t do that any longer.”

She stood up, pulling the hood over her head before she went away with tentative steps, maybe waiting for Jace to call her name, to give her a reason to turn around and throw herself in the strong arms of her boyfriend. But Jace just sat there, watching her leave, his eyes wet with tears from being left again, although he knew, that this time, there was really no one else to blame but himself. He watched her go until she was only a tiny spot in the distance and he felt his heart ripped into pieces, yet again.


	5. Chapter 5

Jace had no idea how he made it back to the Institute. Thankfully, he had no time to dwell over things, another demon activity had just been registered and he and Liam were sent out right away. Liam detected that something was wrong with his friend, but was brushed off with a harsh “Nothing. Mind your own business”, which caused Liam to worry even more, but right now they had to focus on more important topics. Jace felt the all too familiar rage boiling in his body, rage towards himself, fate, life, anything. He just was not meant to be happy, he guessed. To deaden the rage inside, he went for the outer pain, heading into the demon fight headless and reckless. He didn’t wait for Liam or had any other strategy, he just went in without thinking much. The demon was fortunately a minor one and killed pretty easily, but Liam was no one to ignore such reckless behavior. He shoved Jace into a wall and glared at him furiously.

“You don’t want to talk about what’s bothering you, fine. Going in like that risking your life? Not cool, not at all. Pull this again and I’ll make sure it’s the last mission you go on.”

Jace glared back furiously as well, but when he saw the concern behind the fury written all over Liam’s pale face, he faltered.

“Sorry, dude. Won’t happen again. Seriously, sorry. It’s just… Sasha. We… she broke up.”

“I figured something like that. I’m sorry, Jace. Wanna talk about it?” Liam patted Jace on the back after he had released him from his grip. Though they were close friends, they never had been really physical with each other, like Jace had been with Alec even prior to their relationship or he had become with Magnus.

“Maybe later, not now. It just hurts too much right now.”

Liam nodded understandingly. He gave Jace another shove to show his affection and dialed quickly something in his phone before they headed back to the Institute.

Jace was glad when he could close the door to his room behind himself. It had been a long day, in every kind of sense. He startled when he saw a tall figure sitting on his bed.

“Jace.” Magnus soft voice rang through the room. And even though Jace was tired beyond words, he couldn’t help the warmth spreading through his body.

“Magnus, what are you doing here?” He closed the few steps between him and Magnus and collapsed next to him on the bed.

“I heard you had a rough day, darling.” Jace huffed at the use of the nickname Magnus had given him after his drunken attempt to seduce him, but there was no heat behind hit. Secretly, he liked it.

“You could say so.”

“So why don’t you start at the beginning? I know you’re head over heels for that girl, and before you deny it, it was obvious in your voice whenever you told something about her. What happened?”

Jace sighed and told Magnus about his inner conflict, of being torn apart between keeping Sasha safe and oblivious to their dangerous world and the need to tell her. But as even telling wouldn’t help the fact that relationships like theirs were forbidden, he had decided to just not tell.

Magnus listened intently and just hummed sometimes to announce he was still following.

“What do you hate most about being a Shadowhunter, Jace?”

The blond was astonished by the question, but took a moment to contemplate it.

“That I was never given a choice. When you are born a Shadowhunter, that’s all you are.”

Magnus didn’t say anything, he just looked pointedly at him. Jace blushed a little under the firm gaze.

“So you mean by not telling I took her choice away.”

“Exactly.”

“But there is no real choice. I researched a lot, there is only the way of her ascending or my de-runing.”

“Or you could live in a secret relationship with her knowing everything. There are protection spells, Jace. I’m not the High Warlock of Brooklyn for nothing. I think I could keep her safe.”

But Jace shook his head.

“I’ve been thinking of that. I lived with Alec in secret for two years. It never felt good than, it won’t now. And we could at least spend our daily life together, I would have to hide her completely from mine. And she is worth so much more than being my dirty little secret.”

“Then let’s do some more research. Maybe there is a loophole you haven’t found yet. Izzy and most probably also Liam might have access to more material as seconds in command. And I have my own resources as well. But, of course, you have to tell her first and let her decide if she is willing to put up with the risk. I can protect her with tokens and spells, also put up wards around her house, but of course it is always riskier than an ordinary mundane life. But you are worth a bit of a risk, Jace.”

“You would do all that for me?” Jace sounded baffled and uncertain.

“Of course, don’t be an idiot.” Magnus slapped Jace lightly on the head before he trailed down his jawline with his thumb. “Jace, you have to stop doubting your worth. You’re one of my best friends, I would do anything for you. So would your sisters. And I think also Liam and Simon.”

“If she still wants to talk with me.”

“I have a good felling she probably might.”

***

Magnus was right, though it took Jace a lot of convincing and the promise to tell her finally the truth, to meet with him again. He had asked to meet at her place, which she reluctantly agreed to, but Jace didn’t want the possibility for anyone to eavesdrop on their conversation. He was anyway not sure how to tell her about the Shadow World. What was the best option? Was there a best way at all?

He chewed nervously on his bottom lip while knocking on her door. She opened the door with a guarded expression on her face, which Jace understood but it hurt nevertheless, she had never looked so closed off like this.

Her flat was messy as always, Jace had to suppress the urge to clean up a bit, the tidiness beaten too severely into him as a small child to just overcome it. He chose the small couch to settle down, whereas she sat down on the bed, facing him.

“Do you believe in the supernatural?”

Sasha looked at him bewildered.

“If you don’t take that seriously, Jace, you can as well go.”

“No, please I am serious. Really. I have no idea how to tell you what I need to tell, but you have to believe me that I am serious. Please.” He looked pleadingly at her, his hands ruffling his hair nervously.

She sighed. “You are really strange Jace Morgenstern. But ok. Supernatural like believing in nixies, fays and leprechauns as many Irish do?”

“Yes, all that and more. Vampires, werewolves, magic. Demons.” He added after a small pause, watching her intently, though he thought to know the answer. And not to his surprise she shook her head.

“No. I actually don’t. I mean they are good for nice fairy tales, but that’s just it.”

“Well, they do exist. They all really do exist.”

Sasha just laughed at him. “Sure.”

Jace closed his eyes, he had known it would be difficult, he just had hoped to find better words.

“They really do. Mundanes like you just cannot see them.”

“I’ve heard Liam use that term before. Mundane. So what are you then, Jace? A werewolf?” She still sounded not convinced, more the opposite.

“No. There is a race, called the Nephilim, descendants of real Angels. Mostly, we are called Shadowhunters. We are half human, half angel. That’s what I am. That’s what Liam is. We fight against demons.”

She just stared at him, the disbelief written all over her face.

“Look.” He slipped out of his shirt and pulled out his Stele and hold it over his permanent runes to lighten them up. His eyes flashed golden and the runes activated with a golden shimmer.

“Woah. What happened here?” Sasha shook her head. He showed her again while explaining further, about runes, about the role he and Shadowhunters in general had. While he spoke, he felt her doubt crumble, her eyes getting wider with every new detail she took in. He explained the dangers for mundanes to know about the world, why he had kept her in the dark.

“You’re not pulling my leg here, right?”

“No, it’s all true. All the legends are true, Sasha.” He stood up to sit down beside her on the bed. Tentatively she raised a finger to trail down his runes.

“So the scars are battle scars? And the tattoos – they are all … runes?”

“Yes, they are all runes. Some of the scars are from fights, but most were my father, I didn’t lie about that. I’m sorry I lied at all. But I wanted to protect you. But I know now that was a mistake. You deserve to have a choice.”

Instead of saying anything she leaned in and pressed her lips to his.

“So not all heroes were capes?”

“More leather jackets” he laughed in responds “but I wouldn’t call me a hero either.”

“So what are you then?”

“Just someone who is doing what he is born to do. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“It must be nice to have a purpose.”

“I think it’s nicer to have a choice.”

“Well, I choose you, hero or not.” She smiled radiantly before she leaned in again and kissed Jace, like all that mattered was this one kiss.

***

The group of friends did some extensive research, but they got not lucky, it seemed there was no way around the law. For now, Jace and Sasha decided to just keep their relationship a secret, a fact, which bothered Jace more than her, as only he had to really keep it. Sasha had finally met his two sisters, as well as Magnus and Simon and as suspected they got along from the start. Magnus showed her some magic tricks, but it was strange with Sasha. Though she knew that there was magic now and other beings beyond humans, she never managed to see behind a glamour and most magic she forgot a few minutes later, her brain overruling the supernatural with mundane reality. A transformed werewolf she saw as a dog, only when Jace or one of the others pointed it out explicitly, she was able to see it. Jace found it hilarious and teased her, she just huffed and rolled her eyes, not really caring. As promised, Magnus had given her a necklace with a blood-red ruby stone in it, the ruby one of the few gemstones, which could contain such a powerful protection spell as Magnus had cast. Downworlders or even minor demons shouldn’t be able to harm Sasha in any way. Top-color rubies like the one in the necklace were extremely rare and therefore extremely valuable, but Magnus didn’t care about that, as long as he could contribute to her safety and therefore Jace’s happiness. And it was clear that the two were happy. It was not a perfect relationship, they were not as in sync as Jace and Alec had been, but it was also not fair to compare a fresh couple with a couple who shared a soul for several years. He also had put up wards around her place, similar to the ones around his loft, and some minor around Queen’s Univeristy. She was as protected as she could be.

What they unfortunately weren’t protected from was some noisy, begrudging fellow Shadowhunters. Some weeks after Jace had confided in Sasha, he was ordered to the Head Office. He looked at Liam with whom he was training, but his friend shrugged helplessly, he had no idea what the order was about. Jace went straight to the Office, a strange feeling in his stomach. It was not usual to be pulled out from a training session, still covered in sweat and panting from the exercises.

When he entered the room, Charlotte had a stern look on her face and some pictures before her.

“Sit down.” She gestured to the chair in front of her desk. Jace thought for a second to refuse, but finally settled down. She shoved the pictures towards him.

“Would you like to explain?”

Jace looked at the photos, it were several from him and Sasha, one holding hands while eating ice cream, one it showed them kissing in front of her flat.

“Actually, I wouldn’t. This is my private life and none of your concern.” He crossed his arms over his chest glaring at her defiantly, wishing he had refrained from sitting down.

“It is my concern, Jace and you know it. She is a mundane and as it was brought to my attention, I have to act on it. Or is she just a casual affair?”

Jace knew that she wanted to give him a way out, but he had vowed to him that he wouldn’t make her is dirty secret.

“No. She is my girlfriend.”

“You know what that means, Jace. There are only two options in this case.”

Jace shook his head, gritting his teeth in anger.

“This is none of your business. She is not interfering with anything.”

“But there are rules for our society, Jace. It is for her protection and yours. The law is hard, but is the law.”

“Spare me with that grab.” He glared at her furiously, not caring if he overstepped by talking to his superior like that.

Charlotte sighed, she hated doing it, she had hated it the moment she saw the pictures. If possible, she had preferred to do nothing about it, but after the photos she didn’t have this choice anymore. She was the Head and had to act accordingly.

“I’m not your enemy, here, Jace.”

“But also not my friend.”

“No, I am your Head of the Institute. And as that, I have to remind you of the rules and the choices you have now.”

“I fucking died for your lot. And now that…” he gestured at the pictures. “Whoever gave it to you, they are the real problem. Not me dating a mundane, who is, by the way, protected by the most powerful spells there are cast by the most powerful living warlock. Petty people spying on fellow Shadowhunters, that is the real problem here.” He had sprung to his feet, and before Charlotte could add anything, he went on. “But don’t worry, I gladly make that choice. I’m done with all of this, the Clave and its stupid, backwards laws. You can call the Silent Brothers for a de-runing.” He stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

First, he tried to call Sasha, who didn’t pick up. Then he tried to find Liam, but his friend was nowhere to be seen. Instead he called Magnus, who didn’t answer his phone either. He groaned in frustration, and swore if Izzy also was not to answer her god damn phone… but she answered at the first ring.

“Jace, we might have found…”

“I’m done, Izzy. I’m done.”

“Done with what?”

“Done Shadowhunting.” He blinked back the angry tears prickling in his eyes.

“Oh Jace. What happened? Wait, I’ll put you on speaker.”

He quickly explained what had happened and that he was done, once and for all. There was a small pause before Izzy carried on.

“Actually what I wanted to tell you is, that we might have found a loophole. I found a rare copy of a really old book hidden in the secret section of our Institute. There is one case, where it is stated that a Shadowhunter was married to a mundane and he wasn’t de-runed for it. Probably because he was the Consul at that point of time, but that doesn’t matter for us. They even give a justification which we could use also for your case.”

“And what is the catch?” There was always a catch.

Izzy’s voice sounded a bit less secure when she carried on.

“The justification is largely based on the fact that she was a mundane with the sight.”

Jace laughed hollowly. There it was.

“You bloody well know that Sasha doesn’t have the sight, not at the slightest. She has the Non-Sight if you want to give it a name. Never seen anyone less able to see magic.”

“Yeah, we know Jace, that’s where Clary comes into play. She thinks she developed a rune, which would work on her to give her the sight. An alternate Voyance rune to give mundanes the sight.”

“But that’s impossible. Runes kill mundanes. No way. I go for the de-runing.” He sounded desperate, but he couldn’t help it.

“Listen Jace” Clary’s stern voice sounded through his phone. “Shadowhunters are not supposed to be able to talk to Angels, to die of cancer, to get resurrected by an Angel or create new runes. Been there, done that. Isn’t impossible our thing? I wouldn’t suggest it if I wasn’t sure.”

“How can you be sure? If it’s not working she’s going to die.”

There was a small pause on the other end of the line. “It’s hard to explain, I just am. The rune just came to me like the twinning rune before the Great Battle or the Lightning Rune. Or the Contraception rune. And each of them worked, why should this be any different? Besides, don’t you think the Angels owe us one? All of us? I think that’s repay.”

Jace massaged his temples. He had no idea how to feel about it. He wished he had known about this before his meeting with Charlotte, but there was nothing he could do about it. He wished the option was not so dangerous, but he also knew that it was their only chance and it was not his choice alone to make. He sighed. Sometime it would be nice to have an uncomplicated life.

“I’ll talk to Sasha.”

“Let’s talk to her together, all of us. Let’s meet in her flat if this is possible?”

It was possible, even though her tiny flat was packed with that many people, but with a twirl of his hand, Magnus enlarged her room and the sofa so that everyone sat comfortably. Jace had already brought Sasha and Liam up to speed with what had happened in Charlotte’s office, he had also clearly told them that he was ready to take the next step. As ready as he could be. Liam looked not happy, not at all, the prospect of losing his best friend and mission partner weighted him down, even though he understood the choice Jace had to make.

“You know this won’t stop me from beating your ass at tabletop football right?” He asked with a crooked smile on his face. Their eyes locked and Jace sighed in relief. He had been afraid that Liam might turn his back on him, strictly speaking Liam – and the rest – wouldn’t be allowed to have contact with him after the de-runing.

“I wouldn’t count on that. I’ll still be better” he gave back with a wink, before they patted each other on the back, a bit awkwardly.

Firstly, Izzy showed them the passage in the book, all agreed that it should be enough to call it a precedence.

“I know you are not her biggest fan right now, but Charlotte really is great. She doesn’t want you to get de-runed, she would gladly take that case and if necessary fight for you in front of the consul.” Liam sounded surer than Jace felt, he had always had a high opinion of Charlotte, but right now he just felt betrayed.

“If you say so.”

“I do. Trust me in this, Jace.”

Then Clary explained to Sasha the rune she had created, to give her the sight so she would be able to see supernatural things in the future and qualify for the precedence. She also explained the risks, but that she was pretty sure the rune worked perfectly.

Sasha listened intently, sucking lightly on her upper lip. But when Clary ended, she agreed without any sign of hesitation.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to do that.” Jace had stepped in front of her, so that their faces were nearly touching.

“I actually think I have.” She stood on her tiptoes to be able to kiss him. “You are a Shadowhunter as much as I am not. I need my life and you need yours, but we also need each other. You’re worth a little risk. I don’t think your sister would do something dangerous. I trust her.”

Jace drew in a breath. He hated that. He hated not to be the one to make the sacrifice but to let her be the one to take the risk. But he nodded. He pulled her in a hug and kissed her again, before she turned around, still in his embrace. She held her slightly shaking hand out to Clary, who drew her Stele.

“Ready?”

Sasha nodded. Carefully Clary drew the new rune, a rune which looked very similar to the Voyance rune but had slight differences. Sasha hissed lightly, but didn’t flinch away, leaning into Jace for support. When the rune was complete, it lit up in a faint greenish color. They all looked at her hand. The rune looked like any other rune from any other Shadowhunter.

“Did it work?”

“Well, at least you’re not dead.” Magnus replied dryly, but when he flashed his cat eyes at her, she gasped in awe and excitement. “I guess it did” Magnus added with a wink. And it had. Sasha was now able to see through glamours and was also able to remember it. As Liam had predicted, Charlotte was more than happy to have found a solution, which she could justify to the Clave and therefore kept Jace a Shadowhunter. It took her a while to gain his trust fully back, but eventually they found their way back to the relationship they had had.

Jace and Sasha had briefly discussed to leave Belfast, but Sasha wanted to finish her studies there and if Jace was honest, he felt more at home at the divided city than he had anywhere else, given the fact that New York never had been a real home, only Alec had made it to one. So they stayed.

***

The next anniversary came up and their group had enlarged. Sasha and Liam joined the other friends on the beach. Jace smiled when he saw all of them together, all people who were important to him. His family, some chosen, some family by blood. But all his. When he pulled Sasha close and felt her relaxing into his embrace, he knew he had stopped trying. He had stopped, because he truly was happy. His life had taken some cruel and unexpected turns, he still missed Alec, there would always be a spot in his heart and soul reserved for his first true love, but nevertheless, he was happy.

That day and night at the beach, Alec didn’t show up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This, together (especially) with the first part of the series, was probably the most personal fic I'll ever gonna write, so thank you for reading,leaving kudos and commenting, it really means a lot to me. A special thank you to Nathanoy25, who pointed out the flaws and therefore made it a better story and hopefully me a better writer. Thank you so much for your constant support 😘  
> My next story will definitely be a more "Shadowhunter" related one again (and a dark one).

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos & comments always make me happy 😊


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